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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29897484">you'll wish you'd never.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/notspring/pseuds/notspring'>notspring</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the sun looks like your eyes [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SEVENTEEN (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(attempted), Bad Sex, Established Relationship, M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unpleasant Conversations, self-destructive boundary pushing, the thin line between i wanted you to hurt me and i wanted it to hurt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 18:09:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,421</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29897484</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/notspring/pseuds/notspring</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeonghan just — he wants. He always wants and wants and wants.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the sun looks like your eyes [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2023180</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>89</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>you'll wish you'd never.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/><br/><br/>Jeonghan lets Seungcheol coerce him into making a doctor’s appointment but refuses to let him come along, appeases him by promising to call for a taxi instead of walking. </p>
<p>Seungcheol witnessed Jeonghan struggle to stand up from every chair he sat in for over a month, but he kept his mouth shut tight and let Jeonghan lie through his teeth at the hospital, blood crusted at his temple and trapped in his eyelashes. Seungcheol had watched silently as Jeonghan laughed shakily and said no, no, he didn’t have any pre-existing conditions. No other symptoms. No major health concerns. </p>
<p>When Seungcheol watches Jeonghan call to make the appointment he makes the exact same face — serious and grave, his eyes wide and wounded. For a single, furious moment Jeonghan hates him for it, if only because there’s nowhere else for the fear to go. </p>
<p>He can do it, he knows, but not if Seungcheol keeps looking at him like that. Not if Seungcheol doesn’t think he can do it, too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jeonghan lets Seungcheol convince him to ask for another week off but refuses to let him listen when he makes the call, letting out a relieved breath when Wonwoo agrees without any difficult questions. </p>
<p>Jeonghan starts filming his next project the week after that, finally, but he follows the doctor’s instructions. Doesn’t work too late, asks for breaks when he needs them. Eats three meals a day. Drinks plenty of water. </p>
<p>Tries to pretend it doesn’t chafe.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jeonghan lets Seungcheol shy away from him for almost two months, acts like it doesn’t hurt when Seungcheol gentles every kiss, keeps all his touches too soft. </p>
<p>“Are you sure?” Seungcheol asks, slowing them down when Jeonghan tries to push their goodnight kiss further. Jeonghan pulls back immediately, his mouth twisting in irritation.</p>
<p>Of course that’s his first question — Jeonghan can tell just by looking at him that he’s already checking Jeonghan for damage, making sure he’s not too fragile to keep going. Like that’s the only thing he knows how to look for anymore.</p>
<p>“Nothing’s wrong,” Jeonghan says, more dismissive than he means to be. Meaner. “I just want — ”</p>
<p>He doesn’t really know how to ask, is the thing. He’s never had to — Seungcheol’s always all over him. An arm around his shoulders, a hand on his thigh. Jeonghan’s only ever had to tilt his head up, if he decided he wanted to be kissed. </p>
<p>Jeonghan reaches for Seungcheol’s hand instead of speaking, moves it to his hip. Seungcheol swallows, his eyes widening a little, but Jeonghan doesn’t give him time to question it. He can’t bear Seungcheol thinking he needs permission to touch him. He slings a leg over Seungcheol’s thighs, shifting until he’s straddling his lap, hands on Seungcheol’s shoulders to keep himself steady as he leans in.</p>
<p>Seungcheol lets him do it, goes along cautiously. His hands rest warm and familiar on Jeonghan’s hips, and Jeonghan sighs in relief at the feeling.</p>
<p>It’s not that Seungcheol doesn’t touch him anymore — he does, all the time. So much it might be suffocating, if Jeonghan was a different person. If Jeonghan didn’t need the attention. But it isn’t — it’s still not quite what Jeonghan wants. He doesn’t want to be protected, doesn't want to be cared for.</p>
<p>Well — no. That’s not it.</p>
<p>He does want to be cared for, of course he does. But he wants to be wanted, too. He doesn’t want that to be gone. Is this their future? Seungcheol treating Jeonghan like something he could break, or lose? Jeonghan couldn’t — can’t — bear it.</p>
<p>“I missed you,” he breathes into Seungcheol’s mouth, now, pressing himself close. Seungcheol’s mouth opens for him, like it always does. </p>
<p>The slide of their tongues together, the taste of him, it’s all familiar. It’s what Jeonghan wants, and it isn’t. </p>
<p>His grip on Seungcheol’s shoulders gets tighter, fingers digging into the fabric. Jeonghan twists it in his fists, tugging until it starts to pull out of shape, loosening his grip only to run his hands down to Seungcheol’s waist instead, seeking the warmth of skin under his shirt. Seungcheol laughs a little, trying to keep up, but that isn’t what Jeonghan wants. He’s pushing, but Seungcheol’s only meeting him. He isn’t pushing back. </p>
<p>Jeonghan needs him to want to push back.</p>
<p>“Don’t — ” he starts, barely able to get the words out. His mouth is wet, feels bruised already. It isn’t enough. “Don’t be so gentle,” he manages, finally, panting a little from the effort. </p>
<p>Seungcheol makes a noise — it could be agreement, maybe. It could be something else. Jeonghan brings up one hand to the side of his face, guiding Seungcheol to kiss him even harder. Slides it to the back of his neck, grip firm. </p>
<p>“I want,” Jeonghan pants, pulling back just enough to get the words out. He starts to slide off of Seungcheol’s lap, hand still on the back of his neck, trying to pull him along. It’s awkward until Seungcheol figures it out, helps rearrange their bodies with Jeonghan underneath him. Jeonghan sighs at the pressure, the feeling of Seungcheol settling between his legs. </p>
<p>“Is that better?” Seungcheol murmurs, low. Jeonghan nods, a little frantic, relieved he didn’t ask if it was okay. </p>
<p>“It’s good,” he promises, pulling Seungcheol’s mouth back towards his. Seungcheol lets him do it. He has one arm braced next to Jeonghan on the bed, keeping his weight off him, but Jeonghan wants the weight. He reaches up to nudge at Seungcheol’s arm. </p>
<p>“What — ” Seungcheol laughs again, confused, as Jeonghan’s fingers wrap against his wrist. </p>
<p>“You don’t have to — ” Jeonghan tries, pulling to try to show Seungcheol what he means. He reaches up to press another kiss against Seungcheol’s mouth, open a little in confusion, uses the distraction to pull again, sharper. Seungcheol collapses down onto his elbow, letting out a little <i>oof</i> as Jeonghan takes more of his weight. Jeonghan grins into his mouth, delighted, teeth turning the kiss into something sharp. </p>
<p>“What — ” Seungcheol starts, but Jeonghan doesn’t let him continue. He bends one knee, foot planted on the bed, Seungcheol wedged close between his legs. </p>
<p><i>You don’t have to treat me like I’m delicate</i>, Jeonghan wants to say, but that’s still not quite right.</p>
<p>Jeonghan wants Seungcheol to make him feel it — make it hurt, even, just a little. Not badly, nothing cruel. Jeonghan just — he wants. He always wants and wants and wants. There’s something hungry inside of him, desperate, panicked that Seungcheol might not feel it too.</p>
<p>He reaches a hand down, fingers skimming along the waist of Seungcheol’s sweatpants, the barest scrape of his nails. Seungcheol isn’t wearing anything underneath — Jeonghan knew he wouldn’t be. </p>
<p>“Are you — ” Seungcheol starts, but Jeonghan cuts him off again, free hand gripping the back of Seungcheol’s head to pull him in, too harsh. “Wait,” Seungcheol manages, but Jeonghan doesn’t listen. Doesn’t want to wait. His other hand starts to move, pushing the band of Seungcheol’s sweatpants out of the way, and — </p>
<p>“<i>Wait</i>,” Seungcheol says again, firmer this time, his hand wrapping around Jeonghan’s wrist to stop him. Jeonghan fights his hold until Seungcheol’s forced to tighten it, the pressure only winding him up even more.</p>
<p>“What's the matter,” he laughs, a little hysterically, still pushing against Seungcheol’s grip. Seungcheol’s stronger than him, broader — even if Jeonghan was healthier he wouldn’t stand a chance. The thought makes him giddy. He feels out of control with it, now. Pushing and pushing and pushing, waiting for the inevitable snap.</p>
<p>“What are you doing,” Seungcheol gasps, trying to pull back, but Jeonghan’s free hand is still on the back of neck, holding him firm. </p>
<p>“It’s good, right?” Jeonghan breathes, but this time Seungcheol doesn’t laugh, his brows knit together in a frown. Jeonghan watches, giddiness fading, as Seungcheol lets go of his wrist and wrenches himself back in one smooth movement, pulling back until he’s sitting on his own heels, Jeonghan still sprawled out on the bed in front of him.</p>
<p>“What is this,” Seungcheol asks slowly, staring down at him. Jeonghan’s still breathing hard, adrenaline still spiked. He likes this too, he realizes — Seungcheol looming over him like that. </p>
<p>“What does it matter?” Jeonghan asks, nudging Seungcheol’s knee with his ankle, cajoling, trying to work him back up. He doesn’t want to waste time on stupid questions. Doesn’t want to stop to think about it — the excitement from earlier is almost gone, and Jeonghan wants it back. Doesn’t want the guilt that’s slowly creeping in to take its place, a heavy weight. </p>
<p>“What’s that supposed to mean?” Seungcheol’s confusion is fading, too, replaced with something that looks dangerously close to fear — or anger, maybe. Jeonghan can work with anger. </p>
<p>“Whatever,” he says, trying to hook a leg around Seungcheol’s to pull him back, goading him. “Forget about it, it doesn’t matter.”</p>
<p>Seungcheol doesn’t let himself be moved. He reaches down to grab Jeonghan’s knee, holding it in place. </p>
<p>“Jeonghan,” he says, insistent. “What was that supposed to mean?”</p>
<p>Jeonghan laughs again, a raw edge to it he doesn’t like. </p>
<p>“I said it <i>doesn’t matter</i>,” he insists, the feeling threatening to overwhelm him. He doesn’t want to talk about this. He wants Seungcheol to press him back into the bed. He wants Seungcheol to take him over completely, to push back until he’s all Jeonghan’s thinking about. He reaches up to grab Seungcheol’s arm, to try again, but Seungcheol jerks it out of his reach. Jeonghan lets his arm flop back onto the bed instead, useless. </p>
<p>“Why are you being like this?” he laughs, uglier than he means to be. “You don’t want me?”</p>
<p>He regrets it as soon as he’s said it — it’s too close to what he really feels, opening him up more than he wanted. Seungcheol is still staring down at him, wide eyes full of hurt, but it doesn’t feel good anymore. None of it feels good, and Seungcheol still hasn’t said anything, and that feels even worse.</p>
<p>“Just get out, then,” Jeonghan snaps into the empty space, raw with humiliation. </p>
<p>“Jeonghan — ” Seungcheol starts, but Jeonghan doesn’t let him finish.</p>
<p>“I said get <i>out</i>.”</p>
<p>Seungcheol rises to his knees slowly and climbs off the bed, staring at Jeonghan the whole time like he thinks he’s going to change his mind. Like he’s waiting for Jeonghan to tell him to stay. </p>
<p>Jeonghan doesn’t, and when the door closes he lies on the bed for a long time, sprawled out where Seungcheol left him, staring blankly up at the ceiling. </p>
<p>In a brief moment of hysteria he considers calling Joshua — he’s been back in Korea for a few weeks, now. They got brunch last weekend. The scar on Jeonghan’s forehead had already faded, but he spent the whole time trying not to fidget, sure Joshua could see it anyway. Joshua hadn’t pushed, smiling and making pleasant small talk for the entire meal, and as soon as they parted ways he’d sent a message asking Jeonghan what the fuck was going on. Jeonghan left him on read.</p>
<p>Still. He’s pretty sure Joshua would pick up if he called right now. The problem would be explaining what happened — Jeonghan has no idea what he’d say, feels exhausted even considering it. He lets the idea fade into nothing, idly waiting to hear the slam of the front door. Idly wondering what he’s going to do when he’s left alone. </p>
<p>The door to the bedroom opens instead. </p>
<p>Jeonghan turns his head, startled, to find Seungcheol lurking in the doorway, a nervous expression on his face. </p>
<p>“Hey,” he says, closing the door and sliding down to sit in front of it. </p>
<p>“Hey,” Jeonghan croaks, turning on his side to face him better. Seungcheol’s still wearing the same shirt, the material rumpled at his shoulders where Jeonghan grabbed it. Jeonghan winces.</p>
<p>For a moment they only stare at each other, Jeonghan at a loss for what to say next. He feels emptied — like everything’s been drained out of him, words included — but there’s hope there too, now, barely daring to grow. Maybe he hasn’t crushed it, after all. Somehow there’s still something growing, even after Jeonghan’s best attempts to ruin it. </p>
<p>“I don’t know — ” Seungcheol starts, finally, the rest of the sentence dying in his throat as he shakes his head helplessly instead. “I don’t know how to talk about this,” he manages, finally, cheeks flushed an embarrassed red.</p>
<p>Jeonghan wiggles until he’s at the edge of the bed, cheek pillowed on one hand, the other flopped out in front of him. </p>
<p>“Talk about what,” he asks quietly, his heart thudding unsteadily in his chest, not quite recovered from the shock of Seungcheol’s presence.</p>
<p>“You know what,” Seungcheol laughs, still looking embarrassed, gesturing between them to try to clarify. </p>
<p>Jeonghan smirks, getting it. “You can just say sex,” he offers, smiling for real when Seungcheol gets even redder in response.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Seungcheol agrees, very pointedly still not saying it. Jeonghan rolls his eyes, still smiling a little.</p>
<p>“What about it,” he presses, when Seungcheol doesn’t follow that thought up with anything else.</p>
<p>Seungcheol’s face twists as he thinks about what to say, and Jeonghan studies him as he waits. His bangs are a little damp — his eyelashes too. He must have gone to splash water on his face, to calm himself down. The thought makes Jeonghan’s chest clench.</p>
<p>“I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt you,” Seungcheol says, finally. Jeonghan should have expected that, probably, but he still feels dull and sick at the words. </p>
<p>“You won’t,” he tries, but Seungcheol only shakes his head, nodding towards where Jeonghan’s arm is still stretched out in front of him. Jeonghan follows his eyes, finds it red where Seungcheol had grabbed him earlier, trying to make him stop.</p>
<p>“You know that’s not what happened,” Jeonghan says, curling it up to bring his hands together under his cheek, sure to meet Seungcheol’s gaze as he does it. Not letting him look at it anymore. “I was hurting you first,” he adds, the words sour in his mouth. Seungcheol frowns, his eyebrows knit together so tightly.</p>
<p>“You weren’t,” he tries, but Jeonghan shakes his head. </p>
<p>“I pushed you too far,” he says, and Seungcheol pauses.</p>
<p>“You did,” he agrees slowly. “But you didn’t hurt me.”</p>
<p>“I wanted you to,” Jeonghan admits. Seungcheol blinks, clearly thrown, so Jeonghan has to clarify. “I wanted you to hurt me.” He forces himself to keep going, closing his eyes as he tries to figure out the right way to say it. “Not, like. Not a lot. Just a little bit.”</p>
<p>When he opens them again Seungcheol’s staring at him in horror, the expression so stark it’s making Jeonghan sick to look at it. </p>
<p>“Why would you want that,” Seungcheol says, obviously confused, but all Jeonghan can do is shrug helplessly.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” he says, a hint of defensiveness creeping into his tone. What does Seungcheol know? “It’s not important,” Jeonghan tries instead, trying to shift them away, towards something less dangerous. If Seungcheol is judging him Jeonghan isn’t sure he can forgive him for it. Isn’t sure he wants to know. </p>
<p>“Did you even want it to feel good?” Seungcheol asks, ignoring Jeonghan’s attempts at misdirection completely. Jeonghan’s eyes slide shut with humiliation. “Or did you just want me to hurt you?”</p>
<p>“No,” Jeonghan says sharply, wrenching his eyes back open, indignation fading completely. “That’s not — no.”</p>
<p>“Then what?” Seungcheol asks, helpless.</p>
<p>“I said I wanted it to hurt,” Jeonghan clarifies, not sure that really means anything. Not sure Seungcheol can tell the difference. “Not — I wanted it to feel good, too. I wanted you to want me.”</p>
<p>Seungcheol nods slowly, an expression on his face like he’s trying to work his way through it. Jeonghan honestly doesn’t know what else he can offer to help him figure it out — he feels overwhelmed already, the humiliation adding an extra layer to his exhaustion. </p>
<p>“I do want you,” Seungcheol says, finally. “You have to know that. Everyone knows that.”</p>
<p>“Not — ” Jeonghan cuts himself off, unsure how to say it out loud. “Not the way I want you,” he manages, but Seungcheol only shakes his head.</p>
<p>“Every way,” he says, laughing again, a little hysterical — like he’s embarrassed to admit it. Like that’s anything to be embarrassed about. Like that isn’t exactly what Jeonghan needed to hear. </p>
<p>“That’s lucky,” Jeonghan says, breathing out his own relieved laugh. “I want you every way, too.” </p>
<p>Seungcheol meets his gaze and smiles back, tired but fond. Jeonghan waits for him to get up, to either join him or leave, but he doesn’t do either. The air in the room is very still — Jeonghan always turns off the air conditioning to sleep, can’t stand the sound of the open window. </p>
<p>“My dad warned me I’d be lonely when I took this job,” he says into the quiet, finally, when Seungcheol still hasn’t moved from the floor. “I thought he was just trying to talk me out of it.”</p>
<p>Seungcheol snorts, tilting his head back against the door, making a soft thud when it connects with the wood.</p>
<p>“My dad warned me not to come home unless I was making money,” he says, and Jeonghan scowls.</p>
<p>“Fuck him,” he snaps immediately, offended on Seungcheol’s behalf, and Seungcheol snorts again. Jeonghan knows it’s stupid to feel protective — Seungcheol doesn’t talk to his dad anymore, hasn’t in years. </p>
<p>Still.</p>
<p>“My dad was right, though.” Jeonghan keeps going with his original thought, unable to look directly at Seungcheol as he says it. “I was lonely when I met you.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Seungcheol says. Nothing more. When Jeonghan meets his eyes he’s smiling, a little, the corner of his soft mouth tilted up. </p>
<p>“Why are you still all the way over there,” Jeonghan says, a hint of a whine crawling into his voice, unable to bear it anymore. Confident enough to push a little, now. He scoots back on the bed to make room next to him, patting the blanket impatiently. “Come back here.”</p>
<p>Seungcheol laughs and pushes himself upright, crawling into the space Jeonghan made for him. Jeonghan pushes his cold feet to his calves right away, smiling when Seungcheol doesn’t even flinch. </p>
<p>“That’s better, right?” he asks. Seungcheol nods, laughing a little, his arm wrapping around Jeonghan to pull him close.</p>
<p>Truthfully, Jeonghan never thought he’d be able to share a room with another person. When they first started sleeping together he’d gone to elaborate lengths to maneuver their encounters so they wouldn’t have to — insisting on going out, on always going to Seungcheol’s place, even booking hotels sometimes. But Jeonghan hates going out, and Seungcheol had a roommate, and the hotels all felt skeevy — like they were doing something wrong. And it had all been for nothing, anyway — Jeonghan fell asleep afterward every single time, always slept so deeply Seungcheol had to wake him up to leave.</p>
<p>He stopped bothering with it pretty quickly, feeling pretty stupid about the whole thing — he had his own apartment, quiet and clean and private. There was no reason for them to avoid it, other than Jeonghan trying to set a boundary it turned out he didn’t even need. </p>
<p>He doesn’t know why he’s thinking about it now, with Seungcheol stretched out beside him, pulling him close to sleep, always running so warm. Maybe it’s that Jeonghan should have learned something back then, should have realized what it meant. He’s never really been good with things like this. </p>
<p>“I really didn’t want to hurt you,” he says quietly before Seungcheol’s breath evens out into sleep, wanting to be sure Seungcheol knows. Seungcheol’s arm tightens around him in acknowledgment, the barest pressure. </p>
<p>“I know you didn’t,” he says. </p>
<p>“That doesn’t mean you have to forgive me,” Jeonghan presses, because he’s never able to resist pushing down on a bruise. </p>
<p>“It doesn’t,” Seungcheol agrees. “But I do,” he adds, not letting Jeonghan use it to hurt himself, so all Jeonghan do is accept it. All he can do is breathe through his own discomfort, and wait for it to pass.</p>
<p>“Thanks,” he says, the words so quiet they’re mainly just sounds. He presses his face into Seungcheol’s shoulder, right where he’d pulled the fabric earlier. Seungcheol doesn’t say anything but his hand comes up to stroke Jeonghan’s hair, soothing in the quiet.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jeonghan makes his own doctor’s appointment the next morning while Seungcheol’s still sleeping, crawls back into bed instead of waking him up. Tells him about it over breakfast. </p>
<p>Doesn’t let himself let it hurt.<br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thank you to ester for double-checking for me ♡</p></blockquote></div></div>
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